Identifying weaponized incompetence & how to stop it

Weaponized incompetence, also called strategic incompetence, has been a trending topic of conversation. This tactic is a form of manipulation that can result in an uneven division of labor. It’s used in the workplace, in domestic relationships, and anywhere else that demands responsibilities.

Whether at home or at work, it’s important to address weaponized incompetence and set reasonable expectations. Otherwise, you may end up with too much work and succumb to exhaustion. Weaponized incompetence relies on the compliance of others, which is why it’s important to take the time to identify and address this toxic behavior. 

The original term for weaponized incompetence was “skilled incompetence.” It was first published in the Harvard Business Review in 1986. Though it may not always be obvious, weaponized incompetence can look many ways. However, intentionally appearing inept at tasks is a deceitful practice.

The following are examples of weaponized incompetence:

• A person getting the wrong items from a grocery list so they won’t get asked to grocery shop again
• Someone doing a poor job washing dishes and telling you how you’re better at it
• An employee refusing to learn how to do a program at work by claiming it’s too confusing
• A man claiming that women are naturally better at childcare to avoid watching after his own child
• A person overcooking a meal upon their first attempt and proclaiming they can’t cook 
• A roommate refusing to clean and saying they don’t know how

Why weaponized incompetence is harmful

Weaponized incompetence is harmful because the individual relies on others to pick up their slack. Above all else, weaponized incompetence erodes trust and creates an unequal dynamic. This may lead to resentment and feeling like you are parenting your partner, coworker, or roommate. It can also be a form of gaslighting. The problem with gaslighting is that it creates an unequal power dynamic and causes one person to question their perception of reality.

Picking up the slack of someone else can lead to burnout and caregiver fatigue when you never agreed to be a caregiver. Managing your workload and reducing burnout can help improve your mental well-being. 

The difference between genuine and weaponized incompetence 

Learning the signs of weaponized incompetence is the first step toward addressing them. Not every failure to do chores or refill the office printer ink is the result of someone feigning incompetence. Everyone has occasional slip-ups. Perhaps they struggle with an illness, or they’re just having a rough couple of months. Genuine incompetence, or learned helplessness, is not intentional. 

While someone with genuine incompetence may try to learn from their mistakes, a person displaying weaponized incompetence won’t bother. They may display apathetic weaponized incompetence by not caring about the task. Or they may be engaging in malicious weaponized incompetence to take anger out on someone. 

A few questions can distinguish genuine incompetence from weaponized incompetence. When assessing the behavior of a person you suspect, ask yourself:

• Do they lack a willingness to learn?
• Are they eager to let me take over?
• Do they use self-deprecating language to highlight their own incompetence?
• Do they give up on something after the first time trying?
• Has it become a monumental effort to get them to do simple tasks?
• When was the last time they offered to help me without asking?
• Have they shown any red flags before this?
• Is it fair to ask this person to be doing this task?

Signs & examples of weaponized incompetence in relationships 

Many women find themselves taking on the role of primary caretaker in and outside the home. Gender roles heavily impact weaponized incompetence in heterosexual relationships as well as same-sex relationships. However, studies have shown that in gay partnerships as well as lesbian partnerships, household duties are divided more equitably on average. 

A study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior published in 2022 found lower sexual desire in women partnered with men who contribute unequally to household labor. Currently, working mothers shoulder even greater childcare demands.

The division of labor is something that couples should discuss early on in a relationship. Everyone has chores they don’t like, and maybe designating specific tasks within your relationship works for you. However, if your partner lets you take on all the household responsibilities, that’s unfair unless previously agreed upon.

Examples of weaponized incompetence in your relationship

It’s hard dealing with a partner who isn’t acting as your equal. Acting as a parental figure to someone who is perfectly capable can be draining. 

A romantic partner should be emotionally mature enough to take care of the responsibilities asked of them. They should also be able to communicate if they’re feeling overwhelmed. If someone lets you shoulder their burdens, it’s a sign they may lack respect for you. 

The following are signs you may be experiencing weaponized incompetence in your relationship:

• When you send your partner to the grocery store, they always forget essential items like diapers, milk, or toilet paper
• Household chores are left incomplete unless you nag constantly
• Your partner conveniently forgets about days they’re supposed to help you with chores 
• Your partner has you make appointments, fill out forms for them, and take care of other things they are perfectly capable of doing
• Family members ask why you coddle your partner 

While weaponized incompetence is frustrating, it’s something you can work through. A partner who cares will want to work to improve the relationship.  

Signs & examples of weaponized incompetence at work 

If you have experience dealing with difficult coworkers, you may have dealt with weaponized incompetence before. Such coworkers may have poor teamwork skills that negatively affect others by forcing them to work harder. 

A manager or supervisor at your organization may know the best course of action. They may speak with higher-ups and include the threat of termination or a performance improvement plan. Giving a difficult employee a chance to improve is typical, and depending on company policy, there may be a chance for skill development. 

Examples of weaponized incompetence in the workplace

Determining whether a coworker is struggling or simply lazy can be challenging. Dealing with difficult people is part of life, and the workplace is no exception. Everyone needs to pull their weight to build good work relationships. An imbalance may lead to resentment and conflict in the office.

These behaviors are signs your coworker or employee may engage in weaponized incompetence:

• Showing a lack of teamwork by contributing little to group projects
• Volunteering others to do tasks for them by saying they’d be better at it
• Coming to meetings unprepared and expecting others to fill them in
• Scrolling social media or lounging around during an important meeting
• Consistently showing up late and writing it off as a character flaw

It’s a good idea to check in on the employee to rule out personal problems or stress within their role as the cause. However, underperforming employees do exist. Letting poor performance go unnoticed is a disservice to everyone on the team. 

How to address weaponized incompetence in others

Weaponized incompetence is hard to address because the guilty party can easily claim you’re being dramatic. They may ask, “What’s the big deal about a few dirty dishes in the sink?” However, each seemingly minor incident can add up to something bigger. You may start to feel mentally exhausted and taken for granted. It’s important to express your feelings and reiterate their validity. 

The best approach is to have difficult conversations and address weaponized incompetence up front. Learn how to navigate discussions with someone about their incompetence with these simple tips. 

Practice clear communication

Healthy relationships require clear and effective communication. In 2021, a study by Frontiers in Psychology concluded that active-constructive communication was correlated with relationship satisfaction. 

Anyone who engages in passive communication, like weaponized incompetence, struggles with their communication skills. While you can’t make anyone work on their communication, you can be clear in yours. Let someone know when they’re not shouldering enough responsibilities. 

Point out whenever this person claims they can’t do something, gives up easily, or you end up doing it for them. Discuss why this is unacceptable and how they can contribute more. 

Set clear expectations

After setting boundaries, stay firm in your decision regarding what you will and won’t help others with. Let this person know you will no longer take over their chores or tasks. If you bring up the problem and continue to let their toxic behavior continue, they may not take future discussions seriously. 

Suggest practical solutions

Suggesting practical solutions can make someone realize they’ve exaggerated their incompetence. It’s hard to argue against a simple solution. 

If you’re dealing with someone who claims the sound of a vacuum hurts their ears, suggest they wear earplugs. When someone says they don’t know how to use Microsoft Excel, suggest they look up a video tutorial. 

Encourage problem-solving strategies before giving up. The other person will either have to accept their excuses as invalid or continue to feign incompetence. If they refuse all of your suggestions, it should be clear they do not plan on taking steps toward self-improvement. 

Stop offering your help

Offering help whenever someone claims they can’t do something enables their incompetence. Rather than offering to do something for them, encourage them to try different methods until they figure it out. 

While this may feel harsh, remember that it is for the other person’s own good. Someone cannot become self-sufficient if they are never left to figure things out for themselves. 

Try couples therapy or relationship coaching

A licensed therapist or coach can improve romantic relationships, but only when both people are willing to make an effort. If your partner has no will to change and improve, you’ll end up doing all the emotional labor during and after sessions. Therapy or coaching can be useful for discussing with your partner how their weaponized incompetence affects you. 

If you or your partner is struggling with mental health issues and shirking responsibilities as a result, therapy or coaching sessions are safe places to discuss it. Having a third party to discuss the unequal workload helps you take accountability for yourself and your partner. Together, you can create a routine where everyone feels comfortable with the dynamic. 

Recognizing weaponized incompetence within yourself

Maybe learning about weaponized incompetence has led you to realize it’s something you’re guilty of doing. The first step is to recognize the problem and the distress it’s caused others. Not everyone has the self-awareness necessary to break a bad habit, so give yourself credit. 

Set a goal to contribute more, whether at work or home. Rather than asking others around you to do something, ask them to teach you. Try to learn something new daily and be patient instead of giving up after the first attempt.

When weaponized incompetence is a deal-breaker

Only you can determine when you’ve had enough of weaponized incompetence. Repeated refusal to change is typically a pattern that continues indefinitely.

If the person you’re dealing with makes no effort to improve, it may be time to walk away. This may involve terminating the professional or interpersonal relationship. Calmly let the person know you can no longer tolerate their aversion to personal growth.  

Moving past weaponized incompetence 

Personal and professional relationships can move past weaponized incompetence, meaning there’s hope for improved communication in the future. Honesty and transparency are the centerpiece of effective communication. Once you master that, you can resolve almost any conflict. 

Working with a personal coach can help improve your communication, whereas coaching can teach you direct communication strategies and conflict management techniques. Whether you need to improve your personal relationships or encourage employee growth, communication coaching can help. 

Discover how a personal coach can empower you to handle weaponized incompetence. They know how to navigate difficult situations and quickly make high-impact changes.