How to make friends as an adult and why it is so hard

It’s hard to make friends as an adult. 

The research backs this up: making friends as an adult is harder than it seems. In fact, the May 2021 American Perspectives Survey had interesting findings on adult friendships. Many Americans don’t have a large number of close friends. In fact, 49% report having three or fewer close friends. 

When it comes to adult friendships, most Americans report having situational friendships. For example, people make temporary friends in the workplace, at school, in the gym, or in some other shared community. Nearly 70% report having a friend that they only see in certain places or at certain times. 

So, why are adult friendships so complicated? In this post, we’ll look at the importance of friendships in adulthood and why making them is so difficult. You’ll also walk away with tangible actions you can take to help make friends as an adult.

The importance of making friends as an adult

Before we get into how to make friends as an adult, let’s talk about why. Let’s talk about the importance of friendships in adulthood — and why friendships in adulthood can be good for your health. 

• Adult friendships create meaningful social connections. Combatting loneliness and social isolation comes with creating connections. More than ever since COVID-19, we’ve seen first-hand the impacts of loneliness and social isolation on people. Fostering meaningful connections through adult friendships can help overcome the negative impacts. And from there, the positive ripple effect only grows. 

• Adult friendships can help you live longer. Research shows that having friends can actually help add years to your life. One study found that adults with strong social networks were significantly more likely to live longer. 

• Adult friendships are good for your heart (literally). Research has also shown that there’s a connection between social isolation and cardiovascular issues. Friendships in adulthood can actually help protect your heart. 

• Adult friendships help relieve stress. One key reason why adult friendships are good for your heart is due to stress. With a strong social network, you’re better equipped to cope with stress. 
• Adult friendships can help keep you mentally fit. A strong mental fitness practice benefits from a community of others engaged in similar practices. To cultivate a strong mental fitness, it’s important to lean on social connections and friendships. By doing so, you’ll increase your resilience, productivity, and overall mental well-being. 

How to make friends as an adult

It may not be as easy to make friends as an adult as you would think. But with the right support, resources, and guidance, you can start to create lasting friendships that’ll help you thrive. 

1. Get in a growth mindset 

Let’s face it: making new friends is about growth. I grew up in a small town where I’ve known my best friends since we were four years old. So, when it came time to go away to college and make new friends, it was a challenge for me. In the beginning, I admit to having a fixed mindset. I used to think, “I have great old friends at home. Do I need to make new ones?” 

I’m glad I’ve evolved from the old 18-year-old me. In order to make new friends, you need to get yourself in a growth mindset. Be willing to look at new friendships as new growth for who you are as a person. It’s important to realize that new friends can also expand your perspectives, help you grow as a person, and challenge you. 

2. Commit to making an effort 

Making friends doesn’t come with a snap of your fingers. As easy as that would make things on us as humans, making friends requires intention. It also requires you to push yourself outside of your comfort zone. 

When I first moved to Colorado, I kept running into a neighbor who seemed to share similar interests. We often kept our conversations pretty surface level at the mailbox or while walking our dogs. But through our brief interactions, I learned she liked to hike, go running, do yoga, and spend time with friends. 

I decided to invite her to a free yoga event at a local brewery. It was a little uncomfortable and pushed me outside of my own comfort zone. But I had a feeling that we’d get along well. Today, she’s one of my best friends in Colorado. Think of ways you can commit to making an effort to make a new friend. 

3. Get curious and be willing to try new things 

Meeting new friends as an adult often comes with trying new things. And much like making an effort, trying new things can feel intimidating. 

I’ve always been a runner. But my form of running usually meant sticking to the pavement. I’d register for road races but never really ventured far from my comfort zone of what I knew. In fact, if you look at my Strava history, you’ll see that I generally stick to the same neighborhood route. 

But when I started to hang out with one of my new friends in Colorado, I learned she was a big trail runner. She spent most of her time running in the mountains instead of the road. So when she asked if I would want to go for a trail run, I was hesitant. Could I keep up? Would I hold her back? Is this something that I’d even like? 

Even though it was scary, I gave it a go. Now, most weekends, you’ll find me trail running with this friend. She opened me up to a new part of running that I’d never tried before — and it’s an activity that I now get to do with one of my close friends. 

4. Leverage your current social network for introductions 

When I first moved to San Francisco, I knew exactly one person outside of my colleagues at work. I didn’t have a single friend who lived in the Bay Area. But here’s the thing: my college friends knew people. 

My friends from college started to introduce me to people they knew who also were San Francisco transplants. And soon, we had a group of friends who were all connected by friends of friends. 

Look to your current social network to see where you might be able to connect with people. Chances are, there’s a friend of a friend who is also in your exact same situation. 

5. Tap into your community 

Don’t underestimate the power of community. Your community has avenues and resources to help cultivate strong adult friendships. 

For example, you might attend an event at a local coffee shop or brewery. Or you might try signing up for a gym or some other workout class. You could also volunteer, get involved with a local church, or join a social club. 

Research your own community to see how you can tap into it. Chances are, there’s something that you’d find interesting — and it could help you create strong friendships. 

6. Maintain a positive outlook 

Making friends as an adult is hard. It takes work. It’s an investment. And sometimes, you might feel a little defeated. You might not want to continue to make an effort, especially if you’re feeling overloaded in other areas of your life. 

As best as you can, try to maintain a positive outlook. A little shift in perspective can help remind you of what’s important to you. 

7. Be vulnerable 

Think about your best friend. Most people report having one best friend, even if they’re halfway across the world and you only talk to them twice a year. 

What about that friendship makes it so special? 

For me, it’s that my best friend knows the struggles and challenges that I’ve faced. My best friend has been there when I’ve been at my lowest and my highest points. My best friend knows about my passions, my dreams, and my goals. 

You don’t have to dive head-first into a new friendship with this level of vulnerability. But as you continue to foster relationships, some level of vulnerability helps strengthen your relationships. 

8. Consider coaching  

Creating a support network that helps you reach your full potential is critically important to living a fulfilling life. 

A coach can help you understand the fears or self-esteem issues that might make you resistant to reaching out to others. We all carry an inner critic and self-doubts, past experiences, and anxieties about the future. That’s normal, but if you aren’t self-aware, they might be holding you back from building satisfying adult relationships. 

A coach can also help you reach your personal development goals. Plus, two years of semi-isolation has made us all a little weird and socially uncomfortable. With guidance from a coach, you can work on setting achievable goals for making new friends and building the skills you need to make friends as an adult. 

Why do adults struggle to make friends?

• Lack of time: Many adults find it challenging to balance work, family responsibilities, and other commitments, leaving little time for socializing and nurturing new friendships.
• Reduced opportunities: Unlike school or college settings, adults have fewer natural environments that foster continuous unplanned interactions and shared vulnerability, which is essential for organic friendship formation.
• Trust issues: Research shows that lack of trust is the most common reason adults find it difficult to make friends. As we age, we become more cautious about opening up to new people.
• Established social circles: By adulthood, many people have already formed their core friend groups, making it harder for newcomers to integrate.
• Fear of rejection: Adults may hesitate to initiate friendships due to fear of rejection or appearing vulnerable.
• Increased selectivity: As we mature, we often become more selective about who we spend our time with, making it harder to form casual friendships.
• Lack of shared experiences: Without the common ground provided by school or similar institutions, adults may struggle to find shared interests or experiences to bond over.

12 ways to make friends as an adult

We’ve given you some high-level tips to help you make friends as an adult. Now, let’s talk about some activities that may help, too. 

1. Join a gym 

One way to meet people is by joining a gym. Many gyms (or other types of workout studios) offer group classes. For example, if you really enjoy yoga, you might consider joining a yoga studio to help meet people who also share your interests. 

2. Sign up for a workshop or class 

When I moved to Denver, I started taking writing workshop classes. Through these workshops, I’ve been able to make good friends who all share the same common interests in writing.

Think of ways you can meet a group of people in some sort of workshop or class. Platforms like Airbnb, Groupon, MeetUp, and more host things like art classes, workshops, and more. 

3. Join a MeetUp, Bumble BFF, or another tech platform 

Hear me out before your social anxiety kicks in. It can be scary to lean on technology to help make friends with total strangers. But platforms like MeetUp and Bumble BFF are literally built to help create a circle of friends. Give it a try. It might also help you get over a fear of rejection, too. 

4. Volunteer with a local nonprofit 

Volunteering with a local nonprofit is a great way to meet people. For example, I’ve volunteered at our local humane society and found other people who really enjoy helping animals. 

And science tells us volunteering can also be good for your mental health. Think of ways you can create new relationships by doing good.

5. Find a church or other spiritual service 

Lots of people turn to faith or religion to help find a sense of community. While this is very dependent on your personal belief systems, it’s a good option to consider. Consider ways you can create meaningful friendships through finding a spiritual community. 

6. Join a book club 

There’s nothing like a good book club. Seek out local book clubs through your library or other local bookstores. You can find that these get-togethers can help you find your footing in a social circle. 

7. Attend networking events 

Don't limit yourself to professional growth – networking events can be a goldmine for forging new friendships. From industry-specific gatherings to broader business mixers, these occasions offer a wealth of opportunities. Seek out events in your area that resonate with your interests or professional background.

8. Take up a new hobby 

Diving into a new hobby or rekindling an old flame can open doors to like-minded individuals. Whether you're drawn to the canvas, have a green thumb, or harbor musical ambitions, joining a group dedicated to these pursuits can spark meaningful connections.

9. Participate in community events 

Your local community is brimming with events waiting to be explored. From vibrant festivals to spirited sports leagues, active participation can lead you to neighbors who share your enthusiasm for local engagement.

10. Join a sports team or recreational league 

For the sports enthusiasts among us, local teams and recreational leagues are calling your name. Be it soccer, basketball, or even the high-flying world of ultimate frisbee, these activities offer a dynamic way to expand your social circle while staying active.

11. Attend social events at work 

When your workplace hosts social gatherings, seize the opportunity. From casual happy hours to team-building exercises, these events provide a relaxed atmosphere to connect with colleagues on a more personal level.

12. Connect through social media groups 

Don't overlook the potential of social media platforms like Facebook and Reddit. These digital spaces host a myriad of groups catering to specific interests and local communities. Engage actively in these online circles and consider taking the leap to organize face-to-face meetups, transforming virtual connections into real-world friendships.

How to meet friends as a parent

I grew up in a very close-knit community. My best friends from high school and grade school have long been a part of my social life. But beyond our own friendships, our parents are also great friends. 

The New York Times released a great guide on making friends as a parent. Here are four tips to keep in mind. 

Try activities with your kid

This could any sort of activity, like story time at your local library or baby yoga. You could also volunteer at your kid’s school or even coach your kid’s sport teams. 

Find like-minded parents in the places where you already go

Think about the places you already frequent, like your favorite cafe or neighborhood park. Take the plunge and try talking to other parents at the places where you go. My mom always recounts when she met her now-best friend. She was pushing me in a swing at the playground while a mom next to her was doing the same with her kid. 

Introduce yourself to other parents

This goes back to getting out of your comfort zone. Be proactive about initiating conversation. A conversation doesn’t necessarily mean anything other than getting to know someone better. Put yourself out there without any expectations and see what happens. 

Look to social media for help making friends as a parent

A lot of parents lean on social media for help finding friends. For example, Facebook, Reddit, Instagram, and more generally have local groups for parents in the neighborhood. My sister-in-law founded her own neighborhood Facebook group where she regularly connects with other parents in the area.  

6 ways to maintain friendships as an adult

Making friends as an adult is one thing. But maintaining friendships as an adult is another. Here are six tips to help nurture your adult friendships. 

• Make the time (even if you’re “too busy”) 
• Regularly commit to something on the calendar 
• Be present 
• Communicate 
• Show up for your friends (especially when it matters most) 
• Accept that friendships evolve and change 

Consider how BetterUp can help you nurture and maintain relationships and friendships in your life. From navigating change to investing in what matters most, a coach can help serve as your guide. Connect with a BetterUp Coach today and start building long-standing friendships.