Empathic listening: what it is and how to use it

Everyone wants to feel heard and understood. Because of this, listening is one of the best ways to connect with others and build healthy bonds. Offering someone your full attention and compassion can be life-changing for them and you.

If you want to build listening skills, you may wonder, "What makes a good listener?" Anyone can perk their ears up at a conversation. But deep, connected listening feels and works differently. It's called empathic listening, and it can change your perspective and relationships for the better. 

Empathic listening means understanding a speaker’s message through the active process of listening and observation. Empathic listening is more than hearing. The practice lets you focus on the emotion behind the words.

Empathic listening relies on reading body language and understanding types of nonverbal communication. By using it, you consider the other person's perspective by focusing on their experience with intention. In this way, empathic listening requires you to be fully present and engaged. 

Naturally, empathetic people are often good listeners and leaders. They connect deeply and often seek out those emotional ties through listening. Anyone can build skills to be more empathic.

You can show empathetic engagement in various ways:

• Making eye contact
• Nodding agreement and understanding
• Showing engagement and interest in your speaker
• Asking questions for clarity and context when appropriate (not interrupting)

Empathic listening fosters a sense of trust and validation, enabling more meaningful relationships and communication. It helps you form a deeper human connection with your conversational partner. By developing the skill of empathic listening, you can see where the other person is coming from and respond with compassion.

Passive versus empathic listening

There are different types of listening: active and passive. Passive listening, despite its shortcomings, is the default for many. 

Passive listening habits tune out the speaker's emotions and intentions. As a result, you might only get a superficial understanding of their message. You hear the words spoken but may not process or engage with the content.

Passive listeners may not make eye contact. They often interrupt or let their minds wander into how they'll respond when it's "their turn." 

You can't foster genuine connection or understanding with passive methods. Passive listening can make conversations feel superficial and speakers feel undervalued. In truth, this type of listening is a missed opportunity for deeper connections.

Why empathic listening matters 

It's often said that listening is a lost art. In reality, listening is a skill. You can build listening skills using the right intention and techniques. Doing so offers you and others benefits that serve you for a lifetime.

Listening can improve relationships in every facet of daily life. It can strengthen your friendships and working relationships. It helps you build trust and shift your thinking.

Here are the five top benefits you'll find when you practice empathic listening:

Build stronger personal and professional relationships

Most relationships can improve with connection and understanding. Empathic listening gives you useful information for building interpersonal bridges. It can also help you navigate family dynamics and understand the other person's perspective.

Empathic listening can also help you in being a leader. Three quarters of people with highly empathic senior leaders report being often or always engaged. Only 32% of people with less empathic senior leaders report the same. You can use empathy to understand your teammates’ motivations and be better equipped to anticipate their needs. Listening is especially important for leaders in the digital age since most communication occurs without seeing the nonverbal cues of your coworkers. 

One study in the Journal of Leadership & Organizational Studies supports the idea that empathetic leadership improves performance and innovation. By becoming a better listener, your team may feel more connected to you because you strive to hear and understand them. 

Improve communication and collaboration

We often celebrate leaders and loved ones for their ability to exchange information. The key word is exchange. 

Strong communicators are eloquent speakers who also excel at listening. Empathic listening requires a higher level of this skill. Where eloquence helps convey information, empathy helps you accept it.

Empathic listeners tune into what others say (and what they don't). With deep listening, you can more easily navigate conversations and glean perspectives. This can help you reach a consensus faster and with fewer misunderstandings and roadblocks.

Increase trust and understanding

Trust grows when you believe someone is invested in your emotions and needs. By using empathic listening to understand the other party, you foster trust. 

This emotional approach also allows you to be more vulnerable in return. The two-way flow of understanding and openness can help forge more trusting connections, learn how to fix a relationship, and rebuild trust.

Enhance conflict resolution and problem-solving

Conflicts often arise out of misunderstanding. Superficial listening can muddy understanding, and poor listeners can struggle with effective conflict resolution skills. 

When you use empathic listening techniques, you're more likely to hear what's really meant. You can use this information to solve problems and help both parties reach a compromise. Empathic listening centers on compassion for others, which also helps tempers stay cool.

Challenge your perspective and widen your mindset

Preconceptions are another challenge in communication. Passive listening partly relies on what you think you know. Passivity uses assumptions as shortcuts in conversation, but it doesn't always work well. 

Empathic techniques invite you to talk less and listen more. Taking on new information might shift your stance or change your perspective. In this way, empathic listening skills help you stay flexible and open to possibilities without defensiveness.

5 essential empathic listening skills

Empathic listening relies on a few simple but effective techniques and skills. When used together, these methods convey the right message to your discussion partner. They also give you the information needed to respond with empathy and compassion. 

When building empathic listening skills, use the following techniques as you listen and respond.

1. Active listening

Active listening is an engagement behavior. It offers your partner your full concentration, understanding, and acknowledgment. Active listening silently says, "I'm with you," whether mentally, emotionally, or physically.

It's important to note the difference between empathy versus sympathy. Empathy involves understanding another person's feelings. Sympathy is when you feel sadness, pity, or sorrow on someone's behalf. Active listening is empathic rather than sympathetic.

To practice active listening, give the speaker your undivided attention. Put your phone in your pocket, free yourself from distractions, and make eye contact. Let the person know that you're ready to listen and engage. This frees you up to listen carefully and receive their messages (verbal and nonverbal) while building trust between you.

If your attention wanders during the conversation, acknowledge it. Center yourself back in the conversation and ask the speaker to proceed. Resist the urge to interrupt, defend, or rationalize. Ask questions at the right time, but leave room for your speaking partner to share.

2. Nonverbal cues and body language

Nonverbal cues are all the things you say without realizing it. They may include facial expressions, posture, gestures with your arms or hands, eye contact, and movement. Nonverbal cues help you understand a speaker's true feelings and intentions. They often reveal more than mere words let on. 

For instance, if your partner displays that they are uncomfortable with what they're sharing, their body language will tell you. Fidgeting, looking away, rubbing hands, or other subconscious gestures are good clues. 

Use this information to increase your empathy toward the speaker. Consider asking if they're comfortable discussing the topic. Knowing when it’s time to move away from a certain topic might even improve your connection over the long run. 

3. Reflection and summarization

Paraphrasing or summarizing is when you repeat key information back to your speaking partner. Doing this shows that you're listening and engaging with what they have to say. It also helps clarify points to be sure you understand the information. 

Reflection helps you stay on the same page in the conversation and reduce misunderstandings. It's also a great sign of attentiveness and care for the speaker's perspective. Reflection and summary are organic ways to deepen the emotional connection. They encourage open, honest, and connected dialogue between you and your discussion partner.

4. Open-ended questions

Most people love sharing about themselves, and open-ended questions are a way to say, "Tell me more!" Unlike closed, "yes or no" questions, open-ended questions prompt the speaker to elaborate. 

Using open-ended questions helps you gain perspective and context and conveys your interest. When you ask open-ended questions, your partner knows they can relax and speak freely. In doing so, they may offer up more of their thoughts and feelings rather than only sticking to the facts. When asking questions, the structure of questions matters. For instance, “what” and “how” questions produce the best results. Try to avoid “why” questions. 

5. Emotional validation

Emotional validation is when you accept another's feelings without judgment or dismissal. It highlights your respect for your speaker's emotional experiences. This reinforces their value and affirms their reality. 

When you validate the speaker's emotions, you communicate understanding and empathy. Emotional validation is another great trust-builder and conflict-resolution strategy. It can help diffuse tense discussions by ensuring the speaker feels heard.

How to become a more empathic listener

Like any skill, empathic listening improves with consistent practice. Once you know the techniques and methods of empathic listening, it's time to put them to use.

Here are three ways to flex your empathic listening skills in any setting:

Practice active self-awareness

Self-awareness isn't automatic. Tuning into your personal habits and behaviors takes time. When building empathic listening, take a step back and reflect. 

Ask yourself some questions as a self-check, such as:

• Am I staying present, or is my mind wandering?
• Do I seem to be interrupting or rushing to add to the discussion?
• Am I making assumptions about what the other person is going to say before they finish speaking?
• Am I listening without judgment, or are my implicit biases creeping in?
• How can I show my discussion partner I’m interested in what they’re saying?

Recognizing the habits of empathic people is an important step toward change. Tuning into such aspects can help you break habits and recognize biases that color your interpretation. These biases are common, so don't feel bad when you spot them. They come from past experiences, stereotypes, or personal beliefs. 

Becoming aware of your tendencies helps you set them aside. With a clear mind, you can approach each conversation with curiosity and compassion.

Explore your skills in various settings

To get better at empathic listening, it helps to practice your skills in many settings. Different areas of life call for different skills and boundaries, so variety makes for quicker improvement. 

Remember that although you're opening yourself to communicate, it's OK to hold boundaries. Boundaries help you avoid burnout and negative feelings from toxic empathy and compassion fatigue.

At home

Friends and family are a great audience for building better listening skills. Since you know these people best, your close bonds might create more preconceptions. By practicing active listening, you can check your preconceived notions and help your loved one feel truly heard. 

Remember to ask open-ended questions to show genuine interest and care. As you listen with fresh ears, take time to reflect on the speaker's feelings. These techniques build a safe and supportive space to deepen connections and heal old conflicts.

At work 

Practicing empathic listening with colleagues positively impacts the connection crisis at work. When you collaborate with empathy, you improve workplace communication skills and outcomes. If you’re a manager or boss, empathetic leadership can help move projects forward while letting everyone contribute their thoughts.

During conflict

Sometimes empathy is most difficult when it's most needed. If you're in a tense discussion or disagreement, you may slip into old patterns of defensive speech or judgmental listening. Take the time to acknowledge the other's feelings without bias. 

Check in on your reactions and seek to understand their perspective. This means putting aside your own viewpoints to engage with their feelings. Empathic listening during conflict can feel difficult, vulnerable, or frustrating, but it's a valuable practice. It can de-escalate tension, foster respect, and bring about constructive resolutions. According to this study published by the Royal Society, empathy can make us more prosocial and make us more open to reconciliation when problems arise.

Seek feedback (ask trusted individuals for honest input)

If you want to improve your listening skills, ask for feedback. While this may feel scary or increase feelings of vulnerability, feedback is essential to progress. 

Ask someone you trust, such as friends, family, or colleagues, to offer candid observations on how empathically you listen. Prepare your mindset to accept their views without reaction or rationalization. Their honest insights are a great source of guidance and opportunity. 

Be sure to ask them to outline your strong points as well as your challenges. Thank them for their candor, reflect on what they've said, and consider whether you want to incorporate their feedback into your practice.

Use empathic listening to build better relationships

Empathic listening lets you hear others on a deep, emotional level. It’s a powerful way to grow together with them, whether at home or on the job. With practice, you can use empathic listening to excel at work, mend fences, and become a better friend, loved one, or partner.

If you're ready to improve your listening skills with the help of an expert, consider coaching. A certified coach can help you build communication skills and practice your technique. Find the right coach for you and get started today.