Assertive communication skills: unlocking your confident voice

Effective communication skills are vital in every relationship. Clearly getting your point across can help others understand your point of view and respect and meet your needs. That’s where assertive communication becomes a useful tool. 

Feeling unheard can negatively impact your self-worth and mental health. By improving your assertive communication skills, you can learn to speak up for yourself and self-advocate.  

The importance of assertiveness lies in the power to stand up against treatment or situations you’re uncomfortable with. If you need to advocate for yourself, the responsibility to address the situation is in your hands. 

Lack of assertiveness can even result in being underpaid and overworked in the workplace. A study by Tel Aviv University found that women who were concerned with being polite made less money than their more assertive peers. 

Assertiveness is also an important ingredient of success in areas outside the workplace. You should practice assertiveness with friends, family, and everyone else you meet. 

Assertive vs. aggressive communication

Before we discuss assertive communication further, let’s clarify the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness. Assertive and aggressive communication are completely different. When assertive communication is displayed, you are respectful of others’ needs. With aggressive communication, however, mutual respect is often disregarded. Aggressive behavior is a demanding influencing tactic that doesn’t involve listening to others. 

For instance, a micromanaging boss might display aggressive communication by demanding you stay late to take on extra non-urgent work. An assertive boss would be flexible and talk about time you could set aside to do that work during the workday. 

Passive communication, on the other hand, is incongruent with assertive communication, meaning self-advocacy is a nonfactor. Passiveness only considers the needs of others rather than the needs of yourself. This can result in people taking advantage of you and can cause a general lack of control over your life. However, in a toxic work environment, passiveness is sometimes needed as a survival mechanism.  

Obstacles to assertiveness 

Some individuals may struggle to show assertiveness. Current Psychology studied assertiveness in college students in India. They observed that fear of causing tension was a significant factor in inhibiting assertive communication. Gender and the worries of feeling dismissed were also prominent themes stated by participants. Female participants cited that they perceived men reacted negatively to their assertive behavior.  

Whether gender inequality or struggles like social anxiety cause you to hesitate to be assertive, it’s something you can work on. Assertive communication can be beneficial. A study by Iran Red Crescent Medical Journal on the effectiveness of assertiveness training on high school students found that it decreased stress, anxiety, and depression after eight weekly sessions. 

Key elements of assertive communication

There are a few common themes of assertive communication. Implementing these elements in your conversation can help get your point across.

Your assertive communication should:

• Use “I” statements to take ownership of your feelings and avoid blaming others
• Maintain strong eye contact
• Use confident and self-assured body language
• Use a steady tone of voice 
• Maintain calm facial expressions
• Express clarity and directness without being vague
• Prioritize respect for others and yourself
• Include persistence and willingness to stand your ground
• Leverage active listening to hear and respect the rights of others
• Have honest intent and a problem-solving attitude focusing on finding a mutually beneficial solution

Assertive communication examples 

These instances of healthy, straightforward communication are effective ways to convey your needs. 

Assertive communication examples at work

If you struggle to speak up at work, you may find yourself accepting tasks outside of your job description or working more hours than agreed upon. You may also lose out on getting credit for your hard work and ideas. 

Additionally, an inability to enforce boundaries could negatively impact your job satisfaction. A 2022 study published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health concluded a positive correlation between job satisfaction and job performance. Participants who enjoyed their jobs were more likely to thrive in them.

These are prime examples of assertive communication in the workplace:

• “When you miss deadlines, it affects the rest of the team. Poor time management makes me have to work harder to get projects completed.”
• “I noticed you brought up my idea in the meeting, but the credit went to you. I’d appreciate it if you gave me credit next time.”
• “I’ve noticed favoritism in this workplace. When you have the time, I’d like to discuss it.”
• “Over the past few years, I’ve brought a lot of value to this company, and I’d like to discuss the possibility of receiving a raise.” 

Assertive communication examples with friends and family

Friendships and family relationships require the occasional display of assertive communication. Setting boundaries and having serious discussions can be difficult, especially when dealing with toxic family members. 

However, friends and family members who value you will respect your assertiveness. It can also help you be a better friend and family member by opening the door to transparent communication.  

These are some assertive statements you can use in friend and family dynamics:

• “When you’re constantly late, it makes me feel as though you don’t value my time. Try to be more considerate.”
• “Please don’t bring up my financial stress in front of other people. That’s a matter I’d rather keep private.”
• “It hurts my feelings when you undermine my career path. My work has value, even if you don’t recognize it.”
• “I care about you greatly, but when you disrespect my partner, it impacts our relationship. I’d like it if you made more of an effort to get along with them.”

Assertive communication examples in romantic relationships

Open and honest communication is vital in healthy relationships. Your partner should care about your needs as well as their own. You may avoid confrontation in your relationship out of fear of losing them. However, if they’re a good and worthwhile partner, they’ll respect your wishes and work with you to develop reasonable agreements.

Assertive communication in romantic relationships may look like the following:

• “It makes me feel undervalued when you constantly text during our date nights. Could you try to be more present?”
• “I appreciate our relationship greatly, but I need some personal space right now. How about we see each other tomorrow instead?”
• “When you leave your laundry on the floor, it overwhelms me. Cluttered spaces stress me out.”
• “Raising your voice at me during disagreements comes across as disrespectful. Please find a better way to express your feelings.”

Assertive communication examples with strangers

Worrying about coming across as rude can be a significant barrier in assertive communication with strangers. However, the alternative is settling for discomfort. Remind yourself that your comfort and satisfaction matter. 

The following are ways you may be able to show assertiveness in interactions with strangers:

• “You’re standing a bit too close for my comfort. Please back up a little.”
• “Hi. You may not have noticed, but I was standing in line here.”
• “The menu said this dish came with a side of vegetables, but my order arrived without any. Could you fix this, please?”
• “It seems that I was charged twice for this item, and I’d appreciate it if you’d correct it.”
• “I’m not happy with the job you did. It’s very different from the examples I showed you. Do you think we could schedule another appointment?”

How to develop your assertive communication skills

Even if you don’t display assertive behavior naturally, assertiveness is something you can learn. You can become a more assertive person through practice. 

Understand your personal communication style

An assertive communication style may not be your default, and that’s OK. Knowing your personal style of communication can help you understand your natural inclinations during conversations. 

You might use passive communication to avoid conflict or difficult decision-making. But branching out and learning new communication techniques can benefit you. There is something to learn from all types of communication styles. Find what feels right for you in different situations. 

Build your confidence

An inferiority complex or low self-esteem may cause you to believe your input doesn’t matter. Your needs and wants are just as important as anyone else’s. Self-confidence fuels the ability to speak up for yourself and see your own value. When you build confidence, the ability to find your voice follows. 

Practicing certain exercises can help you improve your self-confidence. Power poses at the start of each day give you a boost of self-love and optimism. A 2020 School Psychology International study observed the impact of posture on confidence in fourth graders. Students who engaged in high power poses reported better self-esteem. You can also use affirmations for confidence to internalize positive beliefs about yourself. 

Know your boundaries

Learning how to set boundaries requires assertive communication. But you also need to enforce those boundaries when others overstep them, which can be more challenging. 

Boundaries are more likely to be taken seriously if you maintain a firm stance. Although this may result in an aggressive response from some, you are not a bad person for having healthy boundaries and standards. If someone repeatedly disrespects these boundaries, it may be time to let them go.

Practice saying "no"

If you have a hard time saying no to people, you may find yourself in difficult situations. You could end up with additional responsibilities or accepting invitations even when you’re overbooked. This inability to say no is called people-pleasing, and it comes from prioritizing everyone else’s happiness over your own. 

Learning how to say no is an essential part of developing assertive response skills. Your needs matter, and your conversations should reflect that. Learn to say no to things that don’t align with your personal values.

Don't shy away from conflict

The idea of conflict tends to feel unpleasant. However, knowing how to handle conflict is necessary for effective communication in relationships. Disagreements will happen, and it’s best to know how to communicate your needs while caring about the satisfaction of everyone involved. 

Unresolved conflict could lead to hidden resentments. A Personality and Individual Differences study of heterosexual newlyweds found that avoidance of conflict correlated with poor relationship quality, while open communication led to higher quality. 

Conflict resolution skills teach you how to navigate disagreements while maintaining positive relationships. By choosing not to run away from conflict, you are valuing yourself and your interpersonal relationships. 

Self-reflect to understand your true desires

There’s power in knowing yourself. When you engage in self-reflection, you can gain a better understanding of your own needs and preferences. Ask yourself what you value, what you want to stand up for, what makes you uncomfortable, and what things you no longer tolerate. 

Discovering your personal goals and developing a solid sense of self helps you stay strong in your convictions. You can start journaling and use a self-discovery workbook to get more in touch with your true self. 

Practice assertive behavior

You can practice assertiveness by taking small steps. Slowly increase the number of times you voice your preference or speak out about something you disagree with. The more you engage in assertive behavior, the easier it becomes. 

For additional practice, you can also engage in role-playing assertive communication exercises. Act out hypothetical situations with someone you trust. These situations could include a dissatisfied customer and sales agent, two friends, or any other dynamic. When the stakes feel less high in an imaginary scenario, it may be less anxiety-inducing. 

Improve assertive communication through coaching

Communicating your needs is important for your emotional well-being and the health of your relationships. Communication coaching can help you in your interactions, whether they involve business communication or personal relationships. 

Begin your journey of embracing assertive communication through coaching. Prioritize your voice with a BetterUp Coach and learn to speak your thoughts freely.