Overcoming anxious attachment style for more secure bonds

If you consistently fear that a relationship you love may end, you might have an anxious attachment style. Maybe you’re worried that you aren’t good enough for someone or that they’ll find someone better. Maybe you fear that they’d prefer to be alone.

This mindset can be detrimental to relationships of all kinds. It can cause unnecessary conflict and lead to strained relationships. It’s important to recognize the symptoms of an anxious attachment style and what to do when you or a loved one feels this way.

Anxious attachment style is one of four types of attachment styles that stem from a concept called attachment theory. Many psychologists developed this theory over time, but John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth, and Mary Main were its biggest influences. Bowlby believed that a child’s earliest attachment to a caregiver sets the stage for all future relationships. 

Other identified attachment styles include the following:

• Secure attachment style: This style is the gold standard for building healthy relationships. Securely attached individuals give their partners appropriate levels of attention without being clingy or distant. Interpersonal relationships with a more secure attachment style experience higher levels of satisfaction and mental well-being.
• Avoidant attachment style: This insecure attachment style overemphasizes autonomy in a relationship, which may prevent someone from getting too close to their partner. This could lead to problems with intimacy and vulnerability. Someone with an avoidant attachment style may behave this way to “protect” themselves from disappointment.
• Disorganized attachment style: This style is a mix of avoidant and anxious traits. Someone with this attachment style might seek intimate relationships and then withdraw, leading to an unpredictable pattern of behaviors within relationships. 

Why do some people form an anxious attachment style?

An anxious attachment style is characterized by craving emotional closeness but worrying that someone might not return the feeling. It often stems from early childhood experiences with caregivers, such as the following: 

• Inconsistent parenting
• Needing to act in a certain way to get attention
• Having unreliable caregivers who may not always be available
• Attachment trauma, such as losing a primary caregiver or being abandoned
• Receiving unpredictable levels of support from parents or other caregivers

These negative experiences or inconsistent traits can make you feel like unpredictability and loss are a normal part of relationships. This may cause you to seek more attention or experience more insecurities.

Signs of anxious attachment 

Feeling anxiously attached to someone can manifest in various internal and external ways. Anxious attachment style symptoms include: 

• Feeling dependent on a partner for emotional needs
• Seeking constant reassurance and validation
• Persistent fear of abandonment
• Low self-esteem
• Hypersensitivity to a partner’s actions or attitudes
• Difficulty focusing on your own personal development or interests outside of the relationship
• Feeling jealous when your partner gives others attention
• Looking for signs that your partner might be growing tired of the relationship
• Striving for perfection
• Having loose boundaries
• Getting easily frustrated or angry when anxious attachment style needs aren’t met

How an anxious attachment style can negatively impact your life

Having an anxious attachment style can strain your relationships and negatively affect your mental health. People who are anxiously attached might nitpick everything their partner does or try to test their partner’s loyalty. This may lead to their partner feeling mistrust in the relationship. 

Additionally, anxiously attached partners are more likely to perceive conflict in their relationships. They may also experience negative thoughts and be less agreeable. These thoughts and behaviors can lead to frequent arguments that leave both people feeling frustrated.

An anxious attachment style can also lead to problematic behaviors and situations:

• Pushing people away
• Lacking secure bonds or close relationships
• Being possessive 
• Feeling a low sense of self-worth
• Frequent complaining
• Poor emotional regulation
• Getting defensive when a partner wants to do something on their own

These actions and feelings can cause tension in the relationship. This could even be the reason why a partner may choose to walk away, manifesting the underlying fears of the anxiously attached person. The more that relationships end, the more a fear of abandonment becomes reinforced. 

Healing anxious attachment: working toward security

Learning how to heal an anxious attachment style takes work, but it is possible. Working to change your attachment patterns can lead to deeper relationships. It can also help you become a better friend and romantic partner.

Here are a few steps you can take to learn how to fix an anxious attachment style.

Recognize and come to terms with your anxious attachment

Admitting that you have an anxious attachment style may not be easy, but it’s the first step toward healing. It’s important to remember that if you do show signs of this behavioral pattern, it’s not your fault. 

These behaviors were likely learned early in your childhood and have shaped your attachment style throughout your life. They do not reflect your true self-worth or a personality flaw.

Do your research

Once you’ve acknowledged your attachment style, take time to learn more about the different ones. Read about what causes each style and how they can be reinforced over time.

From there, explore your own past. See if you can pinpoint any relationships or experiences that may have caused you to feel forgotten or rejected. Try answering some of the questions posed by psychologist Mary Main, who developed the Adult Attachment Interview to help people explore early childhood relationships.

If you come across a potentially problematic relationship, consider the circumstances of the relationship, including how old you were and why you might have felt abandoned. Understanding where these automatic thoughts and behaviors come from can help you logically combat them.

Identify anxious patterns

An anxious attachment style doesn’t look the same for everyone. Identify and pinpoint which behavioral patterns may be rooted in your attachment and which may have other causes.

For example, feeling jealous when your partner greets a coworker outside of work might be a sign of anxious attachment. However, if you feel abandoned because your partner works late and is constantly traveling, that feeling may be rooted in a true relationship problem.

Practice self-compassion

Everyone experiences feelings of jealousy, isolation, and irritability from time to time. These feelings are real, and you don’t need to feel ashamed. If you feel guilt or embarrassment because of anxious behaviors, remember to practice self-love. It takes courage to chase after self-improvement.

Develop healthy communication skills

Effective communication in a relationship can do wonders for your attachment style. If you feel like your romantic relationships have been strained because of your anxious behaviors, try being open with your partner. 

Acknowledge that there may be times when you might seem jealous or needy. Explain where you think those feelings may come from, especially if you can pinpoint specific relationships where you weren’t treated fairly.

When your partner knows this in advance, it can make more sense to them in a moment of tension. This can help you both handle conflict in a healthier way.

Set boundaries in your relationships (and for yourself, too)

Setting healthy boundaries in a relationship is a great way for you and your partner to navigate conflicting attachment styles. These can be emotional boundaries, physical boundaries, or a mix of the two.

Examples of healthy boundaries include the following:

• Agreeing to voice your concerns rather than holding them in
• Respecting and encouraging your partner’s personal interests
• Asking your partner not to pry into your past relationships

Your partner can also set some boundaries to help with your attachment style. Perhaps they want to attend a sports game once a week on their own or with friends. Maybe they need some personal space to recharge. Setting these expectations in advance may help calm your nerves about being apart from them.

Build a supportive community

If you’re struggling to understand your attachment style or manage its symptoms, seek help from others who have had similar experiences or styles. Create a social goal of attending an anxious attachment support group. You might find a group in your community or online. 

Connecting with others who understand your mindset and are also seeking change can help normalize your feelings. These social ties could make you feel less alone while offering ideas for changing your approach to certain relationships.

Seek professional help

Your attachment style may be related to a past trauma you have yet to work through. In this case, it may be helpful to seek professional help. You could contact a mental health counselor or psychiatrist in your area who specializes in relationships. You can also contact a life coach who can help you talk through your emotions and think through ways to heal.

Can you be anxiously attached outside of romantic relationships?

An anxious attachment style isn’t reserved for romantic relationships. It can also show up in adult relationships with family members, friends, and coworkers.

For example, anxious employees may constantly seek approval from their manager or accept outside assignments. If you have an anxious attachment to a friend, you might feel jealous if you see them with another friend instead of you.

Soothing an anxiously attached partner

Maybe you don’t have an anxious attachment style, but your partner, coworker, or friend does. If this is the case, it’s important to be understanding and patient. It’s also important to show anxious partners support and security in a way that resonates with them.

For example, if you sense an anxious attachment in a work relationship, try asking them about their love languages at work. This way, you can help soothe their anxiety with positive affirmations, small gifts of appreciation, or other actions that are meaningful to them

Learning how to adjust to someone who exhibits these behaviors can be a great way to fix a relationship that may feel unstable. If your romantic partner struggles with anxious attachment, here are a few ways you can help:

• Offer lots of affection
• Be consistent when it comes to plans and attention
• Practice active listening
• Acknowledge your partner’s needs
• Ask them how you can help
• Clearly communicate your own needs and feelings
• Reassure them about your intentions in the relationship
• Follow through on promises
• Remind them that they’re worthy of love

Take control of your anxious attachment style

Anyone can experience an anxious attachment style, and it’s possible to take control of it. Avoiding the problem can significantly impact your personal and professional growth. Taking a proactive approach to self-awareness and self-improvement, however, can lead to better relationships and a greater sense of security.

Working with a personal coach can help you recognize and transform these behaviors so you no longer feel held back. Overcome your anxious attachment style once and for all by working with a BetterUp Coach.